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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24289978">Wish that I could let you love me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofmne/pseuds/queenofmne'>queenofmne</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Love Confessions, References to Teen Wolf (TV), Sad with a Happy Ending, The 100 (TV) Season 7 Speculation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:54:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,933</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24289978</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofmne/pseuds/queenofmne</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellarke love confession and season 7 speculation that will probably never happen (oh and also a Stydia reference). This one's for Bellarke :) group chat on Tumblr, I appreciate you guys ❤️</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Wish that I could let you love me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This turned out much sadder than I thought it was. Probably the most painful fic I've ever written, but it ends with hope. Made myself cry. Happy Season 7 to all of us, may we finally get Bellarke!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All they ever wanted in life was a little bit of peace. But that wasn’t something they could afford.</p><p> </p><p>There was yet another ‘situation’ looming over their heads, one of too many. Clarke and Bellamy gathered their people for a meeting in one of the abandoned houses in Sanctum. Gabriel was already waiting for them, going in circles around the room and trying to figure this out so no-one would get hurt.</p><p> </p><p>Octavia was still lost in the anomaly, but Bellamy and the rest of the group had a much bigger problem at the moment. The people left in Sanctum were rioting against them, trying to throw them out. However, what was left of their people had nowhere else to go. Which meant they had to fight for this place the best they could.</p><p> </p><p>Bellamy knew his people were supposed to be the most important thing right now, but his heart still ached for his sister. Clarke was explaining to the group how they had to react fast and stop the people in Sanctum before they take it too far. Bellamy was only half-listening to her. His mind was too preoccupied with worry.</p><p> </p><p>Clarke noticed it immediately, because of course she would. This man couldn’t hide a thing from her. She saw the fear behind his eyes, the jitters in his hands, the restlessness in his legs. Both of them knew there was no time to go after Octavia now in the midst of this new crisis, but Clarke didn’t have it in her to tell him that.</p><p> </p><p>“Bellamy, take two people with you and go get O back.” The whole room froze at her words, she was being serious, even though it made no sense.</p><p> </p><p>Bellamy was needed here, to protect and save his people. However, it was engraved in everyone’s mind that his sister was his responsibility. He had saved them so many times before that everyone silently agreed with Clarke - now was the time for him to do something selfish. The thing with Bellamy was that his supposed selfishness actually meant saving a life. How could they keep him here then?</p><p> </p><p>“No way Clarke, you guys need me here.” Of course he’d protest, Bellamy Blake completely forgot how to be a self serving asshole.</p><p> </p><p>“Bell… she’s right…”, Echo cut in. The end of them came from a mutual understanding, but she still cared about him and surprisingly this time Echo had agreed with Clarke.</p><p> </p><p>He wanted to debate this further, but Raven had the sense to cut him off - they had so many otherthings on their plate, they didn’t have time for Bellamy trying to be a hero and stay. Murphy was already onto plotting mass murder, Emori tried to get him to some more productive ideas, Jordan was too stressed out to even talk and Raven and Echo were also silent, but thinking things through. Madi, on the other hand paid more attention to Bellamy and Clarke’s intense staring contest.</p><p> </p><p>She was waiting for one of them to finally back down, but both had points to make. Bellamy was scared he’d lose Clarke again if he left. Because that’s how losing her usually goes - he leaves and poof, she’s gone when he comes back. Clarke on the other hand knew she’d lose him if he stayed. No matter what had happened between them, Bellamy loved his sister more than anything else in the world and if he left her to die now, after everything they’ve been through… God knows he wouldn’t survive that.</p><p> </p><p>“We need to talk.” Bellamy grabbed Clarke by her wrist, trying to keep her from slipping out of the room once the meeting had finished. The truth is, she didn’t want to face him right now.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re going after Octavia end of story”, she tried to keep her brave face on and not waver under the pressure of his gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, I will. That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”</p><p> </p><p>His voice was now quiet, the grip on her hand loosening up a little bit. He was nervous to talk to her, she hated that.</p><p> </p><p>“Clarke, I tried to tell you last time, before Praimfaya. I tried to tell you, but you didn’t let me.” She hated to hear his voice shake like that, she survived so much that she couldn’t bare that anymore, she was too tired.</p><p> </p><p>Clarke knew what he was hinting at. She knew every single word he had said to her and if there was anything Clarke never wanted to forget, it was that conversation. It hurt to remember it, she wasn’t going to pretend otherwise - there was so much <em>regret</em> for the unsaid on both parts. But on the other hand, the way he was talking to her so softly and the loving way he was looking at her back then… She didn’t want to let that go.</p><p> </p><p>Still, she was right to cut him off then. There are some things you say that you cannot take back once they’re heard. And she was scared to hear them - both then and now. So once again, she wasn’t going to let him say it. To Clarke it felt like, if he said it, he wasn’t going to come back. And she’d rather live without hearing those words than live without him.</p><p> </p><p>“Bellamy, just come home safely. With Octavia. And then tell me, okay?” She put her right hand over his heart, trying to both keep him at a distance and also reassure him it was alright.</p><p> </p><p>Clarke believed with all her heart that he was coming back to her, she couldn’t let her faith in him be shaken by anything. Him saying what was on his mind felt kind of… final. Like it was his last chance to tell her and Clarke couldn’t, no <em>wouldn’t </em>let that be the case.</p><p> </p><p>“You didn’t let me finish last time and then I lost you. <em>I lost you, Clarke.</em> And I thought I’d never get another chance to say it”, his voice was soaked with despair and Clarke’s heart was breaking at the tears that swelled in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Before she could even find her voice, he spoke again. “I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I can’t go out there and… and…” Clarke saw how hard it was for him to come to terms with the fact that he possibly won’t come back to her. <strike>But it was harder for he</strike>r. “Clarke there’s a good chance I don’t survive this and I can’t go without finally getting this off my chest.”</p><p> </p><p>She understood where his heart was, she always did. But Clarke was still Clarke, sometimes she had to be selfish and protect herself. It would’ve been easier for him to speak his mind and unburden his heart, but she was absolutely certain <em>her heart</em> wouldn’t be able to take it.</p><p> </p><p>Bellamy needed her to be strong and let him go save his sister. But if he actually told her what they both knew he was about to say… Clarke wouldn’t be able to let him go ever again.</p><p> </p><p>Bellamy was still silent, he was keeping the dreaded words to himself. Scared of her reaction, scared not to insult her or make her angry… he kept quiet until Clarke herself gave him the sign to speak. Bellamy was the kind of person who just couldn’t impose himself on others - he wouldn’t force her to listen to him if she didn’t want to hear it. He always put her needs over his own.</p><p> </p><p>It had finally dawned on Clarke, so suddenly and unexpectedly. Only now did she realize that Bellamy was silently <em>asking her permission</em>. That revelation mixed with the understanding look in his eyes made her so ashamed of herself. While she tried to avoid this conversation to spare herself the hurt, Bellamy was here, so vulnerable in front of her giving her a choice.</p><p> </p><p>He gave her a choice to do what was best <em>for her</em>. Bellamy always did that and Clarke was so, so stupid not to appreciate it more. <b><em>He deserved better than her.</em></b> She knew that before, but now it was so clear and obvious how much this man knew how to love. He loved people the right way, so passionately and with so much blind loyalty that would make anyone want to be loved by him… While Clarke, on the other hand, somehow always found a way to fuck it up and hurt the people she loved. She hurt Finn. She hurt Lexa. And once again she was hurting the man she loved, without even meaning to.</p><p> </p><p>And what shattered her heart completely - he didn’t even blame her for that. All these years she kept hurting him in so many ways, <em>she left him</em>, but he always gave her understanding and forgiveness (<strike>and she knew how hard that was for both of them</strike>). Even now, when she wouldn’t let him do this one simple thing before going on a life threatening mission, when she was putting herself first for the millionth time… he still looked at her with those soft, loving eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, Bellamy”, she finally said.</p><p> </p><p>It came out so naturally and effortlessly that it seemed like she was used to saying that, like this wasn’t the first time she didn’t chicken out and talked herself out of it. Maybe it was because she had said those words to herself so many times before... Whatever it was, it made her let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding all this time.</p><p> </p><p>Bellamy’s reaction to her words was actually the whole opposite. At first he wasn’t sure he heard her well, but his ears weren’t lying and he was somehow still sane. Then, he realized she must’ve meant as a friend or a brother, but he’d heard those words from Octavia and his friends before and they have never been said like this. And finally, he thought about every awful thing he’d ever done in this world and concluded the gods were certainly paying him back for all the hurt he had caused with this sick, painful joke.</p><p> </p><p>Clarke stood there in front of him, while Bellamy was still stuck processing those four words. At one point it looked like he was about to talk - he opened his mouth to say something, but then closed them after thinking it through. Clarke thought she’d feel pure agony when she imagined herself in this situation with him. However, she was calm. That pressure clenching her heart was gone now and Clarke finally found her peace.</p><p> </p><p>She came a step closer to him, their bodies almost touching. Clarke had to push herself up on her tiptoes to reach his forehead, leaving a gentle kiss there. She had done everything she needed to say goodbye and make peace with the possibility of him not coming back to her. It would kill her, she knew, but because she loved him, she had to let him go.</p><p> </p><p>With tears stinging eyes, Clarke’s feet were back on the ground. She took another deep breath before turning her back to him and heading for the door.</p><p> </p><p>“Clarke, wait!”, Bellamy came to his senses enough to shout after her. She didn’t want to turn around, but she had to look at him at least once more.</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t say it back”, he whispered looking straight into her eyes as if he needed to get lost in them one more time.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to.” She <em>knew</em>, but it wasn’t the time to hear it. <em>Yet</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>May we meet again my friends. Stay safe xx</p></blockquote></div></div>
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